Setting & Holding Screen Time Boundaries
Setting boundaries around screen time is really hard when you're exhausted.
The big turn-off battle: you've been there; maybe it's happening in your house right now. You know the battle is around the bend when your kids have been on their screens way past the agreed upon time, and you can sense that if you tell them it's time to stop, total meltdown mode will ensue. And honestly, you just don't have the energy to deal with what comes next if you hold the line.
So you brace for the big "turn-off" battle and you tell 'em, "It's time."The whining begins. A few short minutes later, you are vacillating inside, "Do I forfeit on the boundary and just surrender to the screen or hold the line and gear up for the big turn-off battle?"
The big turn-off moment is just that...a big turn off. Let's turn it around...
Get prepared (rather than scared) for the big TURN-OFF:
Language for getting prepared for the big turn-off: “Starting a show or a game is so much fun, but turning it off seems to be a really hard part of the day. The end of your screen time seems to sneak up on you in a way that make us both very upset. I'd like it to go more smoothly. From here on out, instead of letting it sneak up on us and wreck us, I'd like to try something different... Let's prepare for the BIG turn-offmoment rather than feel scared of it. This will give us both a chance to get ready for our feelings. I can practice taking some deep breaths while I peacefully turn it off for you (if you don't do it yourself) since holding the boundary is my work, and you can practice feeling disappointed while you turn it off, since turning it off even when you don't want to is your work. Before you get started on your game, let's practice turning it on, hearing the timer ding and then turning it off as a way to get prepared for the big turn off moment that's coming. I can practice round for doing this peacefully. When we practice together doing the big turn-off together ahead of time, it helps to get our brains ready for the actual big turn-off moment that is coming in 30 min. Ready? I'd like you to set the timer for 1 min, then fire up the game/show, and when the timer dings, you can feel your disappointment (maybe let out a big moan! which is totally allowed) -WHILE YOU peacefully turn it off all the way. Once we have done the rehearsal, and ended on a good note, then you can get started on the game for real."
Attachment: (Feed your connection with a "me too" message for your kid) I understand turning off tech is hard. I don't fault you for that. I really struggle with it too. Rather than blame you, I am trying to remember that there is a whole industry at work 24 hours a day trying to make it ever harder for you to turn off the screen. There's nothing wrong with you for struggling with turning it off. And still, it's your job to practice turning it off, even though it's hard to do. We can work on this until you've got it. I won't give up on you. I’m in this with you, learning myself how to put down screens even when I don't want to, learning to deal with all my feelings when I have to switch it off. This stuff isn't for babies."
Boundaries: Boundaries are easier to hold when we parents remember why they are there. If we can't remember why a boundary is important and what we are trying to teach, it will vaporize at the first sign of conflict. So why are boundaries worth holding here? 1) Your kids are learning how to put down an addictive substance and you are here to help them learn how to do it. If they can successfully pick it up and put it down 10,000 times, odds are pretty good that their discipline to put other addictive habits in check will grow. This won't be the only addictive substance they'll wrestle with putting down. This is just one to practice now. Turning off screens even when we don't want to is an opportunity to develop some discipline around our use of addictive substances. 2) When we make an agreement with our kids to turn their screen off after 1 hour, and then we help them keep that agreement, we are actually teaching integrity. If we forfeit the agreement or ignore it because we are afraid of a tantrum, we teach them that our agreements don't matter and that their tantrum can turn any fortified boundary to rubble. Want the crib notes? I lied about the boundary. It wasn't real. In fact, your tantrums are so intimidating to me, that you can dismantle any boundary with just the threat of a tantrum. This is a pretty serious lesson that gets taught every time we set a boundary and then forget the boundary. Remember that next time you're inclined to set it and forget it.
For parents, setting and holding boundaries peacefully is something to practice and learn. It took me years to learn how to set and then HOLD a boundary. I got good at it over time. The more I practiced, the better I got at peacefully and gently holding the line. The same goes for kids. The more their parents actually hold the boundaries that they set without blowing up, the more kids believe their parents when they set them.. Our kid's main job is to test whether the boundary is real (by resisting it), and it's ours to show them that it is real by holding it peacefully. BOUNDARIES ARE KIND.