The Power of 15
As a young parent, I spent a lot of time promising to play with my kids, and then busying myself to a point of absurdity so that I would never have to actually sit down and do it. Something about it made me skiddish. I filled every last second with a list of chores and to-do list items instead. I swore to myself and to them that when time allowed, I would definitely sit down and play. Truth is, playing with my kids kind of scared me. I am not sure why. It felt unproductive, and I feared being bored. I thought it would go on and on and I'd be stuck in a pile of legos for hours. So I made up excuses for why I couldn't play each day and I kept myself busy (and feeling guilty) until I realized that only 15 minutes of dedicated play each day could change everything for me, for them and for us . When I learned that it only took 15 minutes, I thought "I can do anything for 15 minutes – even legos." I grabbed a timer and invited my kid to have a little Special Time with me, and what happened next just blew me away...
My kids who had seemingly been unable to play alone, started playing on their own. When our 15 min of play was over, they could take flight playing on their own for extended periods of time.
My kids became less contrary; they were more in the flow, readily following directions and seeking ways to be helpful.
They sought less negative attention from me and each other. They fought WAY less.
They seemed to enjoy their own company, with a new confidence and a desire to align with me as though we were on the same team; a very different picture than the endless bucking of my authority.
They were more respectful in their communication with me and they stopped provoking trouble with each other.
My kids felt lighter, brighter and immediately more affectionate.
The power of 15: Of all the nutrients you can add to help a person grow into the person they are meant to become, 15 concentrated minutes of agenda-free play, is the #1 most powerful nutrient we can give our kids to help them feel well in this stressed world. 15 minutes of unscripted play with a parent imbues children with a lasting feeling of security, wholeness and self-worth, and it can be one thing that you take control of in a time where there is little any of us can dictate the bounds of. The results are immediate and they are magical. You'll feel the positive effects in your relationship, you'll see it in your kid's behavior and you'll feel your kid change for the better right away.
No phones. No TV. No questions about the day. No figuring. No problem solving. No parent agenda. No correcting or suggesting. Just play.
Put the Power of 15 into your family life: 15 minutes is an ample amount of time to spend with a child to fill their sense of intrinsic value. It tells them that they matter and it staves off loneliness, which, ironically, often takes root right inside the childhood home. The moment when someone puts down their list, stops cleaning and decides to stop, drop and play, is where the meaning of life lives. It is not in keeping up or following a routine or performing at our best. This 15 minutes of "you matter" is what feeds life with meaning and a person with self-worth. This "deposit" into a person's "you matter" account can't be bought and it can't be lost. Once it's in, it's in for life.
Even on my most tired day as a mom, I would slither my wilted body to the floor and say "Can we have some special time with just you and me? You lead. I'll follow. I just want to be next to you." And then I would watch the light go on in their eyes.
15 min a day of 1:1 time is a direct deposit of “you matter” into your kid's mental health account. Here’s how to do it.
Try this:
Language: “I realize we spend a lot of time with me telling you what to do and reminding you about lots of things. I think I sometimes forget how to just BE with you and I definitely forgot how to PLAY. How about we take 15 minutes for JUST you and me tonight. You decide what we play and I'll follow.” Mid-play: I’d notice moments that I was able to drop IN (sometimes for only 5 min of the 15) and BE present (rather than hover and manage them) and I’d think to myself in those moments “This is what I promised I would do when I first thought about having kids…This is me being the parent I want to be”. So I’d talk to myself and then I would take it a bit further by sharing my good feeling with my kid so that we could grow our bond right there in that moment, with “Gosh, it feels so nice to play with you Cameron. I really like the feeling of being with you right now.”
Attachment: Remember what it felt like to have a grown up decide that time with you was what they wanted? Just 15 minutes of connecting – of playing – when no one is being reminded of anything, no one is being corrected or questioned. This sets up a foundation of connection. Those moments in my young life were the most memorable of my young life. They made their way into my long term memory and they changed me into someone who felt like she was (and is) worthy company. It happened only a couple of times with my parents that I really felt them joyfully present with me. I needed more than they were able to give but I can’t help but wonder how I might have developed differently as a young person if I had been able to joyfully connect more often with my parents.
With a foundation of connection in place, kids intrinsically WANT to follow their parents' lead. Without it, the intrinsic desire to follow us wanes, and they buck parental authority.
Boundaries: Parents, set a timer. It’s ok to say, “I’ve got 15 minutes and there is no one else I’d rather spend it with." In fact, this is music to the ears and hearts of kids. It feeds them with a sense of “I matter.” A little bit of “I matter” every day keeps loneliness and rebellion away. Don’t get hung up on WHAT you do. Leave your phone in another room and settle down while your kid leads you into his world. When the timer buzzes, it's ok to say, “Wow. that felt really wonderful to be next to you and play with you. I have to go do some work now. Can we do this again tomorrow? I really loved it.”